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By way of introduction, this post is the second in a new series on the great detectives as portrayed by Buddy and Bear. After reading the post identifying Buddy with Sherlock Holmes, Bear became quite agitated (well, she lifted her head, which in her case is the equivalent) and then insisted that she be given her own detective story. She even found some crimes to solve. But let’s not give away the end before the beginning. Gentle readers, Seafoam Cottage Productions brings you “The Crumpled Rug Caper,” featuring that famous detective Sam(antha) Spayed. We also offer our sincerest apologies to Dashiell Hammett, Humphrey Bogart, and Maltese Falcons everywhere.

Cast of Characters:

Sam Spayed, played by Bear
Wilmer Cook, played by Buddy
The caretaker, played by the caretaker (because she has no imagination)


Night fell early on the Seafoam Cottage, and nobody was prepared for the consequences. Not the caretaker, who had hurried home from work in hopes of getting Wilmer out of the house for a while. Not Wilmer, who was as restless as a squirrel in a walnut tree and was ready to spend some time on the porch spying on the neighbor cats. Not even Sam Spayed, whose dinner bowl was easier to locate in the daylight hours. When the caretaker finally unlocked the front door, Wilmer rushed outside and was met by a disappointing blast of cool air. Even worse, he saw that the porch was lit dimly by the fading shafts of sunlight.

It was not going to be a good evening.

Braving the darkening chill, Wilmer made a few half-hearted turns around the porch and then dashed back inside to see what the caretaker was serving for dinner. Just before bounding into the kitchen, he remembered that it was a crime scene and he was the perpetrator. By this time Sam was drawing a chalk line around a pile of partly chewed food that had been swallowed briefly and then brought back up. Sam was explaining to the caretaker that the hideous remains were the result of one of Wilmer’s infamous “scarf and barf” capers. Seeing his crime had been discovered, Wilmer stopped short and slinked back out onto the porch, hoping to remain unnoticed. Maybe he could deny the accusation and pin this misdeed on Sam. After all, the caretaker had not witnessed the crime. With two creatures in the house, there would always be reasonable doubt as to which of them was the criminal, and the caretaker would have to honor the letter of the law. One thing Sam has noticed is that bad guys generally expect everyone else to behave better than they do.

But Wilmer shouldn’t have worried about shifting blame to Sam. The caretaker’s only goal was to clean up the mess; she wasn’t angry at all. As she went to the cabinet to get the wipes, she had to listen to Sam recount every detail of the crime. (To spare our gentle readers, the particulars will be omitted here.) Soon they both began to hear an awful commotion in the other room. In fact, it was so clamorous that it seemed to be coming from all the other rooms and possibly a closet or two. The insistent cry that emanated from Wilmer’s throat was somewhere between a howl, a moan, and the cry of a demented banshee. He wanted the sun to come back to make the porch bright and warm. And he wanted the caretaker to make this happen immediately. But all she wanted to do was clean up messes. It was infuriating. This denial of his desire was too much for the nervous culprit, so he responded in the only way he could: he committed another crime.

Once the kitchen floor was clean again, the caretaker headed for the bathroom to wash her hands. Even before she entered the door, she saw the evidence of the crime, along with Detective Spayed, who was already on the scene. Sam was standing in the middle of the bathroom rug, which was in a terrible state of disarray. And she was telling the story of how Wilmer’s angry yowling had concluded with a violent attack on the rug, with Wilmer lying on his side pulling the edge of the rug with his front paws and kicking it with his back paws.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

The caretaker had no reason to doubt Sam’s story; she had seen this behavior in Wilmer before. Sam was beside herself with glee. Surely the caretaker would banish this fiend once and for all. Wilmer tried to shut Sam up: “Keep on riding me and they’re gonna be picking rug out of your liver.” But Wilmer’s amended movie quotes don’t always have the planned effect. Sam just blinked her eyes and kept singing like a canary. That rug had provided a warm place for her to nap during the morning routine; in a way it was her partner, and when a cat’s partner is killed, she’s supposed to do something about it. (Come to think of it, Sam’s movie quotes are not much better than Wilmer’s.)

I rest my case

I rest my case

Seeming to ignore Sam’s advice, the caretaker headed back to the kitchen and prepared a plate of chicken swimming in gravy. Sam’s next thought was, “The condemed man ate a hearty meal,” so her glee factor increased exponentially. In fact, to hasten Wilmer’s punishment, Sam joined him at the plate; the sooner the food was gone, the sooner the criminal could be brought to justice.

But justice is a fickle princess (whatever that means), and instead of punishment, Wilmer was allowed to sit beside the caretaker and have his ears scratched. Disgusted, but ready for a nap, Sam joined them on the couch. As Wilmer fell asleep, Sam realized that it might be best to keep him around after all, now that winter was closing in. Having plenty of warm fuzzies to snuggle with on cold January nights is the stuff that dreams are made of. Literally.

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