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The caretaker was shocked to notice that almost a month has elapsed since she last provided a true and proper account of the cats. As you might imagine, a great deal of gravy consumption has taken place during this period (as well as many less important activities), but the caretaker has been engaged in projects for mere hoomans and has had little time and no energy for her service as the cats’ historiographer. But now she has a bit of time to provide an accurate history of the main events of these past four weeks, and so we are happy to announce an episode in The Great Detectives series. Today we present an homage to that great modern duo of crime fighters, Goren and Creams. (This choice seemed only fitting, in that most of Buddy’s actions have at least a modicum of criminal intent.)

The episode begins with a scene from Stratford Palace, in the cats’ room. The camera pans across a small cot, whereon a small pillow, embroidered with the word MEOW, lies uncharacteristically askew.

What's Wrong with This Picture?

What’s wrong with this picture?

But the more astute of our gentle readers will recognize at once that something else is terribly, terribly wrong. Until recently, this humble cot had been the home of one Monsieur Tigre Etouffée, a stuffed tiger who is larger than both cats put together, but who is singularly unable to defend himself and thus is sometimes subjected to a thorough trouncing by Buddy. These encounters are normally confined to short periods of Tigre’s tail playing the part of a viper being caught up in Buddy’s death grip. This morning, however, Tigre had suffered a much worse fate, and justice must be served (with gravy, one may hope).

(Camera pans down to the floor)

Someone draw a chalk outline

Someone draw a chalk outline, please

On this otherwise serene morning, Tigre had met with an awful fate and was now not only stuffed but suffocated. Monsieur Etouffée lay in the floor, even more lifeless than usual, with apparently no witnesses available to question (which is a real shame because the caretaker was looking forward to playing the part of Goren and acting all quirky during the interrogation). Regardless of the lack of witnesses, the mystery would be solved soon (even though a running story line may be required to maintain audience interest). For with the caretaker playing the part of Goren, and Bear standing in for Creams, the field of suspects was reduced to exactly one. The only suspect was the usual suspect, Buddy, who lay in the window calmly surveying his kingdom’s front yard. He seemed unaware of the horrific scene that lay on the floor below, so it was time for Goren to step in and solve this crime.

The Guilty Innocent

Butter won’t melt in his mouth

The caretaker recalled that about ten minutes earlier Buddy had torn through the house like a rabid jackalope, angry because the world was not instantly bowing to his will. The sun wasn’t coming up at his demand, the front door remained firmly shut, and Bear wasn’t sharing breakfast. Having nowhere else to vent his rage, Buddy had apparently jumped onto the cot, wrestled the hapless Tigre to the floor, and then murdered him.

Démon terrible! Did you not know that Goren would come knocking at your door, ready to ask you tricky questions, throwing you off guard and making you reveal your crime! Well, Goren would have done thusly, had you stayed awake long enough to dodge the questions that were being flung in your direction. At least Creams was able to rescue the scene by providing a demure pose to let you know how much your crimes disgust her. And so we end our episode with the obligatory trenchant line: This may be a dog’s life, but it’s the cat who gets away with murder.

Creams looks demure

Creams looks demure and disgusted

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