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Archive for the ‘Career Fair’ Category

A while back, the cats promised to provide career advice, and then they failed to follow through. But the recent brouhaha over notebooks filled with job candidates for government positions has the cats wondering if they have been marketing themselves effectively. They have only this humble blog to showcase their massive talents, but apparently they should have been fitting themselves into binders. They have, therefore, spent considerable time between naps polishing their résumés. They would like to preface their curricula vitae with these four compelling reasons that governors, presidential candidates, and other hiring managers should consider cats to fill their cabinets:

  1. The very fact that the cats made promises they did not keep should qualify them for key positions in virtually any government agency. If not, they can always run for office.
  2. Although a reasonable number of women have served in government, cats have been consistently under-represented. The last one we remember by name is Socks Clinton (may he rest in peace), and it has been almost twelve years since he was Chief Executive Cat. The fact that cats do not have opposable thumbs that would allow them to open binders efficiently should not disqualify them from gainful employment. This is America.
  3. Cats are at least as productive as some government workers, and that could be good for the economy. Buddy’s theory is that the less each worker does, the more jobs will need to be created in order to get the work done. As a result, hiring more cats could solve the unemployment problem for less intelligent beings such as yourselves, gentle readers.
  4. Cats love cabinets. They love to explore them, hide behind them, and sleep on them. Putting a cat in—or on—a cabinet would certainly be a win-win situation.
Buddy demonstrates his cabinet experience

Buddy demonstrates his cabinet experience

So get your binders and three-hole punches ready; here are two stellar résumés, straight from Stratford Palace, in the heart of the American south.


Résumé of His Majesty, Merlin Buddy Blacktail
Sovereign of Stratford Palace

PROFESSIONAL PROFILE

Skills: Napping, snacking, shedding, running aimlessly, executing surprise attacks

Experience:

    • Bag inspector, including purses, grocery sacks, and suitcases
    • Photographer’s model (portfolio available upon request)
    • Night watchman
    • Ninja warrior
    • Scientist/explorer

Ideal position: TSA officer or double naught spy

PERSONAL PROFILE

Favorite television show: Criminal Mimes

Favorite food: Our second favorite food is gravy. Our favorite would be whatever is at the top of the endangered species list at any given time, but the caretaker refuses to purchase contraband. She is most disobedient.

Biggest fears: Thunderstorms, trains, and laundry


Résumé of Rijn Bear
Mere Resident of Stratford Palace

PROFESSIONAL PROFILE

Skills: Napping, snacking, napping, staring disdainful, napping, producing fur balls, napping

Experience:

    • Food taster for royalty
    • Pest control techician, specializing in moths and crickets
    • Food critic
    • Music critic
    • Crime scene investigator
    • Mattress tester

Ideal position: Prone

PERSONAL PROFILE

Favorite television show: Downton Tabby

Favorite food: The one that wasn’t served

Biggest fears: Brooms, mops, and surprise attacks


Any reasonable offer may be referred to the cats’ caretaker/secretary. The cats are napping and cannot be disturbed.

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Career Fair – Part 1

The cats have recently heard about the improvement in the economy, and they are concerned that the caretaker is planning to put them out into the employment market now that more jobs are available. She is always pointing out to them that they should be grateful for whatever she feeds them because she has to get up early every morning and drive eleventy-seven miles to the office and then work her fingers to the bone so that they can have blah, blah, blah. (The cats always find the last part difficult to hear over the sound of gravy sloshing and treats crunching.)

So being the resourceful felines that they are, Buddy and Bear have decided to begin their career hunt. They figure if they make a preemptive strike and find a job for which they are suited, they can avoid being pushed into any inferior career choice that the caretaker would make for them. Buddy developed a plan after reading the title of the book Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow. (Given the completeness of the title, who needs to read the whole book? Besides, Buddy could not bring himself to purchase a book of advice whose title contains a comma splice.)  Yesterday when the caretaker came home after work with grocery bags, Buddy began to foment his first career scheme. Below is the first entry in the résumé he is writing for himself and Bear. He has not yet mastered the skill of graphic art, so please be patient with the rudimentary presentation of his material. He has at least committed to memory a list of power words, as will soon be evident.

Cat Skill #1: Bag Inspection

Description: Adept at conducting intensive scientific screening of bags, sacks, totes, purses, suitcases, briefcases, duffels, trunks, and book satchels. Develop and utilize state-of-the-art methods of visual and olfactory inspection to analyze bag contents. Coordinate removal of suspicious materials or tasty substances.

Buddy, Bag Inspector Extraordinaire

Ma'am, these groceries are unacceptable

Bear wanted to add her special skill, but Buddy brusquely remarked that no employer in his right mind would hire someone to test the comfort level of a shopping bag. Sometimes Bear doesn’t have a clue.

Bear in Bag

Inspector #9 says your bag fails its comfort evaluation

Over the next few weeks, the cats will be exploring additional options for turning their favorite activities into career paths. But this bag inspection talent has lots of potential, especially in the transportation industry. In the meantime, if any of our gentle readers should need career advice, please do consult the cats. After all, their currrent gig is a pretty sweet deal. Except for having to listen to the lectures, of course.

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