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On the morning of 24 October 2014, a felt mouse was found in the water bowl of Stratford Palace, the second such incident to occur on the premises this year. An anonymous ring-tailed witness confirmed that the drowning victim had recently been involved in an altercation with the king. The matter remains under investigation.

The king, pictured below staring mournfully at his second favorite minion (identified as Blue Felt Mouse), made a valiant attempt to rescue the victim, but was “grossed out by the wetness of Blue’s yarn tail.” Acting on the king’s behalf, the palace caretaker was able to retrieve the mouse’s body and fluff it in the clothes dryer, rendering it somewhat useful again. It is currently hiding behind the door in the caretaker’s room in an attempt to avoid further harm.

The king was overheard to say that because he has viewed Criminal Mimes almost obsessively for the past few years, he knows that it is only a matter of time before the Feline Behavioral Analysis Unit (FBAU) is called to deliver the profile of a cereal killer. He would just like them to know that his profile looks best from the left side.

A Second Victim

A Second Victim

 

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With apologies to Rudyard Kipling. Come to think of it, to everyone else, really.

You may talk of fish and fowl;
You may even serve up owl
When breakfast is prepared within your house.
But when the evening falls
Bringing darkness to your halls,
That’s when nothing will suffice but Blue Felt Mouse.

Then it’s mouse, mouse, mouse—
You’d better say your prayers now Mousie Blue
‘Cause when Buddy gets the scent
You will wonder where he went,
And you’ll turn to find he’s chasing after you.

Now in morning’s coldest hours
When the bravest of us cowers
Buddy roams restlessly about.
He bounds from room to room
Wreaking havoc, fear, and doom
On creatures that he spies inside and out.

At each window he stands guard
Searching long and searching hard
For perils that would come invade his house.
But when boredom settles in
He turns all his thoughts within
And seeks to pick a fight with Blue Felt Mouse.

When it’s spied behind the door,
Buddy gives his fiercest roar
And reaches to retrieve the miscreant.
Then he tosses it around
With a leap and with a bound.
Soon it throws him to the floor and makes him pant.

It’s a din, din, din—
The caretaker is wakened by the din.
She runs to the bedroom door,
Turns her eyes down to the floor,
In time to witness Buddy get the win.

With no choice but to succumb
To Buddy’s bellicose aplomb
The Blue Felt Mouse lies lifeless from the fray.
Now sleep is murdered too,
But that is nothing new,
For Buddy wakes the whole house every day.

But when order’s been restored
By the strength of Buddy’s sword,
The champion collects his precious spoils.
Then he lays his burden down
In a box that he has found
And rests himself from all his grueling toils.

Now our king, king, king—
Buddy the king has conquered all.
So until the next alert
Or a crisis to avert,
He’ll stand guard until it’s time to start a brawl.

To the Victor Go the Spoils

To the Victor Go the Spoils

 

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