Previous posts have alluded to the fact that Buddy is a gifted (albeit little-known) scientist. In recent days while the caretaker has been gallavanting about to visit a new bay-bee in the family, Buddy has set his mind to categorizing the world around him. He has peered with moderate interest at something hooman scientists call a “periodic table” (actually, he fell asleep while staring at one on the computer screen), and he has concluded that hoomans are notorious for making the world much more difficult than it needs to be. So as his contribution to science, he would like to present his extremely simplified periodic table, from a feline view of the world. He fully expects that his breakthrough will qualify him for the Nobel Prize in science.
His list of elements, in no particular order, is provided below for your instruction:
Fd
Long name = Food. Fd is normally found in cans or bags, and if it is covered with Gy (see listing below) it is delicious. Unfortunately, the caretaker is not always careful about what she classifies as food. Buddy has learned that if the adjective “health” precedes it, then it should no longer be considered Fd but rather Rf (see listing below).
Gy
Long name = Gravy. At first glance, Gy might be considered a subset of Fd, but Buddy insists it is a category unto itself. Not everything that is called food is edible. Gravy is always edible, and usually even slurpable. Buddy’s fondest dream is that the earth’s core is made of gravy.
Bd
Long name = Bed. Bd appears in many forms and colors, and therefore its atomic weight varies greatly. Anything that can reasonably be used as a sleeping surface is classified as Bd.
Ju
Long name = Jumping ramp. Jumping ramps differ from beds in that they must be strategically placed and sturdy enough to hold several foot-pounds of cat and to support the “pushing off” motion of the back feet that propel the cat into the air gracefully. Ju is a particularly useful element when the cats are playing “The Floor Is Lava.”
Gl
Long name = Glass. This element is important to indoor cats because without it there would be no Cat TV. Fortunately, Stratford Palace is rich in Gl.
Fs
Long name = Face Scratcher, not to be confused with Scratching post (see below). In those few minutes of the day that cats are not eating or sleeping or watching Cat TV, they are interacting with the world in various ways. The primary way is to rub their faces against any protruding surface. Wall corners, chair arms, hooman hands, and multiple other objects can serve as whisker scratchers. For that reason, the caretaker keeps a cover on her toothbrush, which has previously been classified as belonging to the element Fs.
Sp
Long name = Scratching post. The name of this element is tricky because even though the caretaker has purchased several items that other hoomans called a “scratching post,” the cats will have nothing to do with them. Instead, Buddy and Bear use many other surfaces that are not suitable beds or jumping ramps as scratching posts. These include the back and sides of the sofa, the sides of the cloth ottoman (the top of the ottoman is Bd), and the edges of cloth on the dainty chair with the picture of the dancing man and woman. The caretaker disagrees with Buddy’s categorization of the furniture as Sp, but then, she is not a scientist, is she?
Rf
Long name = Refuse. Buddy toyed with the idea of calling this element “garbage” or “trash” but he likes the play on words achieved in the sentence that defines the term: Anything that Buddy would refuse is known as “refuse.”
Buddy will keep his gentle readers informed if any other elements are discovered, but for now he is quite sure the world of Stratford Palace has been properly described. And now the caretaker must end the post abruptly because the orange mouse toy has become trapped under a closet door and Buddy is howling inconsolably.
Hope for the best, gentle readers.
The scien-cats at Southern Weir compliment Dr. Buddy on his recent discoveries and offer a discovery of their own: Ch.
Long name = Chase. This applies to anything deemed chase-able: string, yarn (in a ball or not), anything that is dangling from a table or chair, paper (preferably scrunched up), anything moving under a sheet, blanket, or other covering, a red dot that seems to have a mind of its own, any small creature that manages to find its way in from the outdoors, and, of course, the dog’s tail.
Hello, dear friend! We trust all is well at Southern Weir and that Christmas treats abound for you all. Bear has made the very same point that you made, but Buddy insists on placing those items in a zoological genus and species. It is his opinion that they are not chemical elements because of their capacity for motion, even if he is supplying the animation. For whether it is a stuffed mouse or a living bug, they all end up the same: inanimate.
And this “dog” of which you speak is only a faint memory in Buddy’s mind. He has not seen one in such a long time that he truly hoped they had become extinct.